Boobies!*

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Christmas countdown to discuss a secret present that has been received!

Taking a page out of San's book, I decided to make a felt ornament for a friend. To make a long story short, we had been talking about boobs. I thought it would be funny to make my felt ornament look like a pair of tits. I used a salt shaker to draw my template on pink felt. I overlapped them a bit so that they would maintain some kind of ornament integrity (really, I lost all integrity when I came up with the idea for a boob ornament). I used blush for the areolas. I made Rhodes stitch nipples. Then I sewed them together halfway around. I put cardboard circles inside so that when I stuffed them, they'd only poof out in the front. I sewed one breast about 3/4 closed then stuffed it with, what else?, the time honored traditional kleenex. I did my best to make them look almost alike. Every woman knows, however, after intense study, that her girls just don't match. Okay, every natural woman knows this to be true. Then I stitched in some cleavage.

So there I was with a droopy rack. Not very interesting. I had also included a gift of a pink feather boa for my friend. So I got out some pink eyelash yarn and stitched it around the twins. I also made a hanger with the stuff. So now it's just a weird, Mae West-esque, Christmas ornament. It makes a better story than a decoration.

The whole time I was making it, I was singing "Santa Baby" to myself.

*A few years ago, my sister and I were in Victoria's Secret in the Beverly Center. This little boy, probably about 3, went up to a mannequin and grabbed her boobs in both hands and shrieked, "boobies!" at the top of his voice. I almost wet myself, I was laughing so hard. We still crack up when one of us yells, "boobies!" We're easily amused.